Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
