my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
