My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.