I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
