the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
