And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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