Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
