3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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