I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
