Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
