yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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