The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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