Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
