at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
