She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
