Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
