why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
