you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
