i already hear my dad disowning me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
