I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
