My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
