I puked a lego.
two words: eviction party
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
