So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
