Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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