I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
