I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
