There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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