i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
