I will die if light touches me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
