that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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