I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
we should paint friendship bongs
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
