Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
