This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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