Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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