Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
