If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
