Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
