New invention idea: vibrating tampons
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
