I met the friendliest cop last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just pee around me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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