if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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