oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
