If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
