I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize
