i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
