I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
