Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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