What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
