My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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