And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Girls should come with a carfax report
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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