I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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