haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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