I am in a vortex of obligation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
