They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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