I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She announced her abortion via fbk
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
