I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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