6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
