At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
