Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
