Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
