I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
